


Goodnight, Merlin

by BookshopLaura



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-04
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-01-21 23:13:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1567514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookshopLaura/pseuds/BookshopLaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur struggles with his growing feelings for Merlin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Arthur catches himself admiring the curve of Merlin's arse. He drags his eyes away, his cheeks burning and his heart thumping. This isn't the first time he's caught himself staring at Merlin, but up until now he's been able to put it down to being lost in thought, or managed to ignore it altogether. But now, as he attempts to do the same, gripping his pen and staring resolutely at the decrees in front of him he's meant to be reading and signing, he fails. He was staring at Merlin's arse and the way it moved under Merlin's loose trousers as Merlin made his bed. He glances up again. Merlin is still making the bed, unaware of Arthur's turmoil. He's leaning right across it, sweeping with his arms to flatten out any creases in the sheets. And his trousers are beautifully stretched across his arse and Arthur's hand itches with the urge to touch it. He shakes his hand, shocked at his own thoughts and stands up, trying to collect himself. Merlin shouldn't do this to him, he's just a servant. He shouldn't have this power.

"Merlin! That's enough! Go and clean the stables!" snaps Arthur. Merlin immediately spins round. His brows are drawn together and Arthur almost laughs to himself. Merlin may have a nice arse, but he's not exactly attractive. Well not much. Not what most people would call attractive. Especially when he's angry. 

"I cleaned the stables yesterday and I haven't finished in here. I've still got to clear your breakfast things, sort your clothes and do your washing!" The glare he sends Arthur makes Arthur feel guilty. It's not Merlin's fault that Arthur's mind is twisted. 

"Fine..." says Arthur grumpily, sitting down again. He hears Merlin take an exasperated breath and Arthur puts an elbow on the table and tries to glare at the words in front of him. But a moment later he's distracted by the sound of Merlin walking over to where Arthur's clothes are strewn over the floor. He glances up just in time to see Merlin bend over. Arthur breathes loudly, closing his eyes and covering his mouth.

"You know what, Arthur, if you want me to leave at least have the courage to say so." then he's throwing some clothes at Arthur's bed and walking out, slamming the door as he goes. Arthur stares for at the door in shock for a moment and then closes his eyes.

\---

For Arthur, the next week is spent walking on eggs shells. With bare feet. Whilst trying not to make a sound. Because it's clear when Merlin reappears that he's still a little annoyed about the incident. But Arthur's walking a tight rope. On the one hand he needs to show Merlin he's not annoyed at him, and on the other he needs to reign in his own desire to flirt with Merlin. Because that's how he sees every joke and jibe. Every touch or smile is amplified, magnified. Did he laugh too long at Merlin's joke? Should he have been laughing at Merlin's joke at all. Some days he's more successful than others. Sometimes Merlin half smiles half frowns at Arthur because Arthur's being too nice. And sometimes he glares, or walks off in a huff when Arthur is too rude. But by the end of the week Arthur feels like he has it under control. 

Until.

They're talking, joking, as Merlin undresses Arthur for bed. Arthur's all too aware of Merlin's fingers slowly working their way down his front as they unbutton his shirt, can feel the gentle brush of his fingers just above his naval. It's making the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. But Arthur concentrates on what they're discussing, and certainly does not think about leaning just close enough to Merlin to smell his hair. Because that would be weird. 

"I'm telling you, Merlin, Gwaine is not the drinker he claims he is. Eight pints he claims, and only just tipsy. But I saw him, last week, after five, barely able to walk singing a song about a pink four headed dog he'd like to snog!" Merlin glances up at him, rolling his eyes and flashing a toothy grin. But it churns something in Arthur's heart. 

"Trust Gwaine." he says, finishing the buttons and parting Arthur's shirt, leaving Arthur's chest bare, exposed. But he doesn't move to take it off. Arthur can finish getting ready alone.  
"I'm done, good night, Arthur." he says a warm, sleepy smile on his face. The thought that he looks gorgeous passes Arthur's mind. But he shakes himself. He's been so in control all week, he won't let one stray thought ruin everything. 

"Yeah, thanks. Good night Merlin." says Arthur smiling and then ruins everything. Because then, without thinking, he darts forward and kisses Merlin.


	2. Chapter 2

Merlin freezes the moment he feels Arthur's lips press to his. He's so surprised he doesn't register how dry Arthur's lips are against his. Or how warm. Or how it takes Arthur a moment to shakily draw away, his breath still caressing Merlin's face. And then he's less than a foot away, staring at Merlin like he's a man on a tightrope, and any sudden movement or wrong word might just make him fall. 

"Merlin I..." Arthur's breathing is deep and quickening, his eyes are wide, searching Merlin's face, his hands nervously out by Merlin's side, not touching him though. Like Merlin is a startled animal. He'd be insulted if the analogy wasn't so accurate. He doesn't know how to act, what to feel. Arthur is his king, his master. He's also his friend, his closest friend. And he just kissed him. And Merlin isn't sure he minds but then that might just be shock. And if he likes Arthur like he thinks he might like Arthur (although that's not certain because Arthur kissed him about a second ago, he really hasn't had time to think about this), then that changes everything. Lying to your king and friend to save them and keep them safe is one thing. But he's always thought that Arthur's care for him only extended so far. Merlin's a servant, Arthur doesn't want him dead and enjoys their banter, but Merlin never thought he was that important. 

"Merlin, please say something." But Arthur does care, does think he's important. Because he's not denying it. Not pulling stupid faces or wiping his mouth. All the things Merlin would expect him to do if the kiss had been a mistake. Arthur cares for him and Merlin's scared now. The stakes are so much higher now. And Merlin still doesn't know how he feels. So he does the only thing he can think of. Barely glancing at Arthur he mutters.

"I... I er..." and flees. 

\---

Arthur's room has never felt so quiet, and his own heart beat has never felt so loud drumming in his ears. The door stands open before him, the darkness outside it, into which Merlin fled, seems apt. Arthur doesn't know how long he has been standing there, staring at it. Willing Merlin to reappear. He chews his lip, blinking quickly to keep himself from crying. The King of Camelot will not cry. He digs his front teeth down on his lower lip but his chin still crinkles and his nostrils flare. Eventually he squeezes his eyes shut in morbid acceptance and turns to his bed. 

It feels like failure. All he had to do was not let Merlin know about how twisted his feelings had become. All he had to do was not touch him, and he kissed him. For a moment he lets himself savour how soft Merlin's lips were, try and remember the taste. Because that will be the first and last time he tastes them. Then his mind betrays him. What id Merlin is so disgusted that he flees tonight. He might never see him again. Even if he does, Merlin will never see him in the same way. He might resign, refuse to bathe or dress Arthur. He has lost Merlin's friendship and trust at the very least. With these thoughts the tears burst through and Arthur lies in bed long into the night sobbing.

\---

Merlin lies awake too, staring without seeing out of the window. He can't sleep, his mind swimming with too many thoughts. He has come to the understanding that he is probably in love with Arthur. He's certainly risked life and limb (and more) for Arthur on many an occasion. Arthur's opinion of his has always held a power of him that he's been unwilling to admit, but now seems so obvious. And Arthur reciprocates, at least has a lot stronger feelings for Merlin than Merlin anticipated. But are they strong enough to tell Arthur the truth? Can he trust Arthur with his secret without losing his love, without losing his head? Arthur might feel so betrayed that he does something drastic, might banish him.

He could simply not tell him. But it feels wrong, to be with someone like that and not tell them such a secret. He already feels terrible for running, but he needed time to think. If he'd stayed Merlin's sure he would have blurted out the truth there and then. He could be in Arthur's arms right now, receiving reassurance, being hugged and kissed. Or he could be in jail, having lost Arthur's love and trust and gained his hatred. He longs for one and dreads the other. And so he lies long into the night, staring at his ceiling, chewing his bottom lip till it bleeds.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning Merlin wakes, sits up yawing and is sitting rubbing his eye to get the sleep out when he remembers last night. The kiss, the realisation. He's like a string on a violin pulled too tight, or a bow pulled too far back. Either the bow is loosed or it breaks. There is no other option. And not telling Arthur the truth would only make things worse. To lie in his bed, in his arms, and lie to his face. Even for his own good. No. All or nothing. So, resigning himself to whatever fate his choice will lead him to, his puts on his clothes with renewed determination and heads to Arthur's chambers. 

\---

When he enters Arthur's chambers, Arthur isn't there. The bed is slept in, but empty. The state of the covers suggests a restless night, and a closer inspection reveals that the pillows are damp. He can't have run off? Arthur would never abandon Camelot. Finding the rest of Arthur's chambers empty, he begins to search the rest of the castle.

\---

He finds Arthur in the throne room, papers laid out on the round table, head bowed. He glances up when Merlin enters, does a double take. He looks awful. His eyes are clearly red and swollen, his face pale, his mouth down turned.

"Merlin." he says uncertainly.

"Arthur." replies Merlin, equally unsure how to start. 

Merlin steps forward and Arthur stands up.

"I'm... I'm sorry about the thing... last night. It was wrong and disgusting and I should never have..."

"Don't say that!" interrupts Merlin. Arthur looks up at him shocked.

"You..." 

"Don't... don't say anything for the moment. I... I have something to say. And I don't know how... You probably won't want me like..." Arthur's face becomes a scoff. 

"Don't Arthur, please! I'm being serious. You might... you might hate me... you might want to... to..." he never realised it would be so difficult to say it, especially to Arthur.

"Merlin..."

"You might want to kill me." and he's said it and he's holding Arthur's eye. He's deadly serious. Arthur's frowning deeply, struggling to wrap his mind around a possible explanation and Merlin realises it's now or never.

"Arthur... I'm a sorcerer." Arthur's searching, frowning look doesn't still holds him, except that now Merlin has no idea whether Arthur's deciding what to do with him or deciding if he's lying or mad or something else entirely.

"I have magic, I've always had magic, my whole life. I've never used it to harm you, or manipulate you. I've always tried to use it for good. I..." Arthur's hand raised in from of Merlin's face silences him. Merlin thinks Arthur looks tired and angry.

"You lied to me." Merlin can't deny it. He nods as he struggles to keep control. Because he wants to cry. Because he's seconds away from losing Arthur, seconds away from his entire world crumbling around him and it's all his own fault. 

"Why?" demands Arthur, bluntly.

"Because I didn't think I had a choice, to begin with. I knew you'd kill me if you found out." Arthur's frown twitches slightly, but Merlin can't see it, can't meet Arthur's fierce glare. 

"And now?" Merlin, shrugs his shoulders as he battles to stop his bottom lip from wobbling. 

"Why now?" says Arthur, his voice a little louder.

"You kissed me." says Merlin simply.

"And? So if kings kiss sorcerers they're forced to tell the truth?" asks Arthur incredibly.

"I didn't want to lie to you if..." It seems so strange now that it's not Arthur killing him, but loving him which is so painful to say. Because the hope that he had is gone, disappeared. 

"If we were lovers!" blurts Arthur indignantly and now Merlin can't help the way his eyes scrunch up and his tears start pouring as he nods. Arthur is silent for a moment. 

"You should go." he says quietly. Merlin looks up. Does he mean that? He's banishing Merlin. Maybe not officially, but banishing him all the same. He nods once more, unable to prevent the sob that escapes him and practically runs from the room. 

\---

He doesn't give himself a minute to cry. Who knows if Arthur will change his mind and order his arrest. He pauses in his packing of his two other shirts. Maybe that would be better. Then he shakes himself. No. He's better for Arthur alive, even at a distance he can try and keep watch. Dead he is no help. So he packs his things walks out of his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to finish this this chapter but then it got angsty and I know how much people appreciate angst so this is longer than predicted.


	4. Chapter 4

Merlin pauses in Gaius' chamber. Gaius is away, and he feels like he probably owes him an explanation for disappearing suddenly. He will find out soon enough he supposes, and steps towards the door. Then pauses. If Arthur suspects that Gaius knows the truth, that could put Gaius at risk too. He doubles back, grabs Gaius' quill and a small piece of parchment. 

"Gaius,

I'm sorry that I had to leave without saying goodbye. Arthur has found out a secret about me, one which condemns me and you will hear about soon enough. So I have to leave. I'm sorry. Thank you for everything.

Merlin" 

He's nearly crying writing it, but it needs to be written. It might just be enough. He pauses again. He has an idea. If he wants to carry on serving Arthur, Ealdor will be too far away. He needs to remain here in Camelot. But he cannot be seen as himself. "The Great Dragoon" is known, besides anyone of that age would be now use around the castle. But there was another way to go unseen around the castle. He grabs a large vial of potion, stows it in his bag and leaves the room. 

\---

Arthur is sat at his table in his chambers. He's been staring into space since he sat down hours ago. His hands are clasped in front of his face and he absently chews his thumb nail. The room is silent, calm, serene. His mind is in uproar. Two strong thoughts battled in his mind. His father had always taught him, always taken pains to ingrain in him that magic is evil, and those who have it only capable of evil. But Merlin is anything but evil. He is loyal and caring. He is bright and funny and thoughtful. He'd sat outside Arthur's chamber all night when his father had died, just so that Arthur didn't feel alone. Thrown himself in front of numerous monsters with little care for his own safety. A tear runs down Arthur's face. But they were best friends, more than best friends. He loved Merlin, was in love with Merlin. And Merlin had lied to him. All this time. Except that he'd chosen to tell Arthur. He hadn't wanted to be with Arthur as lovers without Arthur knowing. He'd chosen to trust Arthur and Arthur had dismissed him. 

It stung more than Arthur cared to admit that Merlin hadn't trusted him until now. Why hadn't he... But it's clear. When would Merlin have told him. In the early days it would have been risking his head. What was he doing in Camelot anyway? Only Merlin would decide that as a sorcerer the best place to be was manservant to the son of the man who would most want his head. He finds himself laughing despite himself. And then, by the time they were friends? So many years. 

Finally Arthur can take the silence no longer. He needs to talk to Merlin. Needs him to answer all the questions that have been bubbling in his mind since he watched Merlin walk out of the door. So he gets up and walks out of the door.

\---

In the hall he passes a young woman, who stops and drops a curtsey whilst carrying some laundry. He doesn't pay her any attention. He needs to get to Merlin, needs to speak to Merlin. He doesn't notice the blackness of her hair, the paleness of her face, or the blueness of her eyes. Or how they dart up to watch him walk away.

\---

Arthur gets to Gaius' chambers and knocks. There's no answer. He pushes the door and it gives, so he steps in tentatively. He heads to the stairs to Merlin's room. The bed is a mess, the room itself is a mess, but there is no Merlin in it.

It is as he is walking down the stairs that he notices the scribbled note on the work bench. From a distance he can tell that it's Merlin's writing and he steps faster down the last few steps as he almost runs for the note. He reads it.

Merlin is gone. Merlin trusted him with his greatest secret and now, now he fears Arthur. Fears what Arthur will do to him. Right now he is running for his life from Arthur. And Arthur doesn't know where he is or how to find him. He drops the note back on the table, not noticing it drift onto the ground as he runs from the room, heading for the stables.


	5. Chapter 5

Arthur rides along the road to Ealdor as fast as he can. It's raining and he's not even wearing a cloak, but he doesn't care. He's stopped the horse three times to yell at a figure that turns out to be some frightened peasant who doesn't understand why their king is yelling at them. When he arrives in Ealdor, Hunith is stepping out of her cottage, looking relaxed. A light frown appears on her face when she sees Arthur.

"Your Majesty?" she looks behind him, searching. Searching for Merlin. Maybe it's a trick. A clever act to through Arthur off of the scent. 

"I'm... I'm looking for Merlin." says Arthur. Her face pales and she looks around a little, scared.

"Your Majesty." she says unsurely. Arthur dismounts and nods towards her cottage. She merely nods and leads him inside. Once inside Arthur's eyes quickly scour the small cottage finding no sign of Merlin. 

"He's not here, Sire. What's happened?" Arthur turns to look at her. Maybe Arthur has passed him on the road, maybe Merlin hid. He might still come here.

"I... Hunith, I know Merlin's secret." She's visibly taken back by that.

"He told me the truth, about his magic. And I was shocked and upset. We've been friends a long time..."

"I told him he should have said something earlier." says Hunith matter of factly, raising her eyebrows and shaking her head a little. 

"I told him to leave, but I only meant... I only meant leave me be, give me some time. And now he's gone and I... I really want him to come home, to Camelot." 

Hunith eyes him warily. 

"He isn't here." she says straightly.

"I know, but if he does come here..." 

"I will tell him what you said. But your father was renowned for cutting short the lives of those like Merlin." she meets his eyes the entire time she talks and it is Arthur who breaks the gaze to glance down in shame.

"I know, but I am not him. And I won't hurt him, you have my word. And he has it too." She regards him for a while longer, then nods. 

"If I see him, I'll pass on your message." she says. Arthur can only thank her and leave.

\---

That was a week ago and no sign has been seen of Merlin. He has ridden into the forest to search, taking some of his knights with him. But how does he tell everyone that Merlin has runaway? Because then he'll have to tell them all it's because Merlin is a sorcerer, and then Merlin will be in danger. He's tempted to revoke the law on magic, but then Merlin might think it's just a gimmick to trick him back, and he'd probably have the entire council in revolt. Until he can clear it of all those who served under his father and shared his understanding of magic, he can't be sure that it won't spark a rebellion. He could lose the kingdom, be accused of being enchanted, declared unfit to rule. He needed to play this carefully. And the one person he needed help doing it with, was the one person he was doing it for. 

And in the midst of this, he kept seeing a new serving girl. And she looked familiar but he was sure he didn't know her. She had long black hair and pale blue eyes. And when she looked at him it was like she was trying to say something, like she knew everything about him. She was pretty, he supposed, by others standards. But he wasn't interested in her like that, he loved Merlin. He knew that now. But she intrigued him, like there was more to her, some secret he was on the verge of realising, but just a page away from. 

He'd taken to watching her, and he was now, as she served at the banquet that was being held as if everything was normal. Gwaine had already rolled his eyes when he'd seen Arthur oggling her, but Arthur had merely shaken his head. Gwaine's head was always in the dirt, it wasn't like this. For most of the feast she had been resolutely not looking at Arthur, well aware of his regard. She was holding a jug and seemingly staring at the contents with great interest, not paying much attention to the thirst looks around the table. Then Gwen had walked over to her and started talking to her. He watched them talk, a little awkwardly at first, then more easily. And the serving girl smiled and laughed. And the smile, toothy and awkward. All the mannerisms as she talked, even the way she held the damn jug. It was so obvious it was ludicrous. It was Merlin.


	6. Chapter 6

Arthur's heart was racing. Maybe he was wrong, maybe he was so desperate for Merlin to come back that he was imagining things. But he had to know. He got up and walked over to the young serving girl. When her eyes fell on him approaching her, they grew defensive. He could see the whites of her knuckles as she gripped the jug. Gwen turned to frown at Arthur, but he simply turned to the girl and said.

"Go to my chambers, right now." 

"Arthur!" Gwen's eyebrows and language showed her shock. The serving girl looked between Arthur and Gwen, swallowing deeply and blinking slightly. 

"I said now." repeated Arthur, turning and walking from the room. As he walked away he heard Gwen saying.

"You don't have to go." 

"I know, but he's the king." 

\---

In his chambers he stood watching the door as the young woman entered. She was trying to look confident and swing her hips. It wasn't working, Arthur thought. She doesn't know how to. She doesn't normally walk like that. 

"You wanted me sire?" she asked, trying to sound coy walking towards him. Arthur held her gaze, those blue eyes, they were Merlin's there was no doubt. 

"I wanted you not to run away." states Arthur.

"I... I didn't run, I'm here." she says, trying to hold her head coyly. 

"Are you really going to try and seduce me disguised as someone else?" he says calmly. The woman physically stops. 

"Sire..."

"I know it's you, Merlin. I hope to God it's you." The woman blinks a little, her arms hanging awkwardly, but doesn't say anything, just watches him. 

"I... I really need you, the real you. Please Merlin." he says and he knows he begging, but she's still standing there watching him cautiously and Merlin isn't. Either Arthur's wrong and she isn't Merlin and is just really confused. Or she is Merlin and is afraid of Arthur. 

Then the woman reaches her hand between her breasts and Arthur frowns. Surely she isn't still trying to seduce him. As attractive as it might be, all he wants is Merlin. And then her hand re-emerges holding a small vial of liquid. Watching Arthur, she uncorks it and drinks the liquid. He holds her gaze for a long while and the eyes, the eyes don't change. But after a few minutes it is Merlin standing before him, in a dress. His hair is short again, his ears sticking out like they always have. He still looks a little scared, but he stands there waiting. 

He doesn't have to wait long, because Arthur hasn't seen Merlin in a week and wasn't sure he'd ever see him again. So there isn't anything that will stop Arthur from wrapping Merlin in a hug so tight it might suffocate him, and kissing him on the side of the head. 

"I thought you didn't want me any more." says Merlin as his hands tentatively wrapping round Arthur's waist. 

"You're such an idiot." says Arthur fondly, and kisses him.

"Of course I want you. I just..."

"Just what?" asks Merlin, frowning a little. 

"You don't make things easy, Merlin. Why did you disguise yourself?" He pulls away and regards the dress, an eyebrow raised.

"Had to keep on eye on you, you dollophead." says Merlin, but he's smiling and he's himself again. Arthur kisses him and it means thank you and I love you.

"We'll work this out. Somehow. I'm not sure how, but we will. I'll repeal the laws against magic and make you head sorcerer..."

"Warlock." corrects Merlin, smiling inanely.

"Head Warlock, and maybe I'll marry you and..."

"And the whole court thinks you just marched a serving girl up to bed." says Merlin, an eyebrow raised.

"We might have to get rid of her." says Arthur frowning a little. 

"You didn't like it?" asks Merlin honestly.

"I want you to always be you." says Arthur, leaning his forehead against Merlin's and Merlin's smile breaks out again.

"Well in that case maybe the guards will see her flee your rooms tonight and she'll never be seen again." says Merlin shrugging.

"I've got a better idea." says Arthur, hugging Merlin tighter and beginning to nuzzle his neck. 

"What's that?" asks Merlin, his hands moving to grip on Arthur's shoulders. 

"She can flee my rooms tomorrow morning." Merlin smiles as one of Arthur's hands starts running up and down his side.

"Just in time for you to reappear with my breakfast." grins Arthur. Merlin's shoves his shoulders lightly, but he's smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a plan, and hopefully it's not what you're thinking. Because then I'd be predictable and I'd hate to be predictable.


End file.
